Clean Jokes

An woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.” “But…

An elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.”…

A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man. A little boy asks him, “How do you…

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all…

On a break time, a teacher realised that one of his students had just stayed idle like a desolated statue. Wanting to at least cheer him up, the teacher went…

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter, but the boss doesn’t think he’s fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree…

A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap. The young man says, “I seek the greatest swordsman…

A little boy opened the big old family Bible and with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and…

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, “Oh well,I…

Three elderly men are taking a walk outside their nursing home. The first one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” The second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!” The third one says, “So…

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?” The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a…

A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine. “Do you know how to operate…

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, “Oh oh!” The man asked the doctor, “What’s…

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. ‘I got a cookbook once,’ said one, ‘but I could never do anything with it.’ ‘Too much fancy…

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. “Is there something in particular I can show you?” he asked. “Yes, I want…

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy rubber pack. “What size?” asks the clerk. “Gee, I don’t know.” “Go see Sophie in aisle 4.” He goes over to see…

A man is talking to his friend and he says: “I’m about to go on vacation, and I don’t know what to do.” His buddy asks: “Why?” And the man…

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a £10 note and decided to give it…